So, I went to Of Mice & Men’s signing today. I got my poster & CD signed by Austin, Alan, & Tino, then I got to Phil who was at the end. I said “I know you probably get this every hour of everyday, but, I love you so much, you’re my favorite member~” & he said “No! I actually never get that, it’s usually Austin or Alan!” & my heart literally shattered.
I am having troubles again, and I am writing this in tears because I can’t anymore. I’m writing this in hopes that one person will read this because it pains me to feel or in a way know that I’m making this person feel bad. In no way am I trying to make you feel bad but I’m having a rough time. I’ve been talking to a psychologist who is in a way treating me and helping me because she’s a family member. Due to my past history with the feeling of being left out and what it led to she told me to do what’s best which is to isolate myself, to push myself away from you because it’s better for me in a way I also believe this is better for me so you won’t feel bad and you’ll stay oblivious to the situation but in a way I don’t want you to not know about this because I like you two very much. However how things have been going and how I’ve been feeling because of you I want to avoid all of this, all of these emotions I’m feeling right now I want to get rid of them. I’m probably coming off as arrogant, but I want to love myself I trust my cousin enough to follow in what she says because I don’t want to hack myself anymore I don’t want to hurt myself or feel like this anymore.
timemachineyeah